Category Archives: Humor

More for Laurel

Good question

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Did he kill you?”

“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?”

“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

Lawyer deposition humor – virus break

Shared today on my plaintiffs personal injury trial lawyers listserv –
==========================================
MR. CHAMBERLIN:  Object to form.  When I say object to form, it’s for purposes of the record.  You may answer, nonetheless.
    THE WITNESS:  Okay.
A:     Nonetheless.
========================================
Q:  What caused you to seek treatment for depression?
A:  I was depressed.
=========================================
    Q Did you come here today pursuant to a subpoena?
    A  No, I took the bus.
========================================
    Q:  have you ever seen Exhibit B before?
    A:  not before today.
    Q:  is that your handwriting there on the form?
    A: yes.
    Q:  so had you seen this form before?
    A: oh sure, but it wasn’t called Exhibit B ….
=======================================

When Insults Had Class AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.

insults

When Insults Had Class AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
— Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
— Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
— William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
— Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
— Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
— Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
— Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
— Mark Twain
“He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…if you have one.”
— George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.”
— Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
— Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
— John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
— Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
— Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
— Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
— Walter Kerr
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
— Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
— Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
— Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
— James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
— Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
— Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
— Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
— Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
— Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.”
— Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
— Billy Wilder

Anomalous state programs – entry #1

State-House-smaller_1 (1)

 

This is the first time that I have heard of this particular state revenue sharing.  The state is sending the Town of Medfield our $0.20 per rides with Transportation Network Companies that originated in town.  Below is an email from Mike Sullivan and the forwarded email from the state DPU.  I see that Boston is getting about $3.5m.

=========================================================

Just received this. Medfield’s distribution amount is $734.70. this might just cover the overhead administrative costs to comply with the reporting requirements. If any left over, maybe we can use it to put 109 underground through the center. Mike

 

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: O’Connor, Angie (DPU) <Angie.Oconnor@massmail.state.ma.us>
Date: Fri, May 25, 2018 at 10:56 AM
Subject: Municipal Disbursement
To: “O’Connor, Angie (DPU)” <angie.oconnor@state.ma.us>
Cc: “Lubitz, Katherine (DPU)” <katherine.lubitz@state.ma.us>, “Hawkins, Ryan M (DPU)” <ryan.m.hawkins@state.ma.us>

Dear Municipal Official:

I write in regards to trips conducted by Transportation Network Companies (“TNCs”) in Massachusetts for the 2017 calendar year and the requirement of a $0.20 per‑ride assessment.  St. 2016, c. 187, § 8.  The Transportation Network Company Division (“Division”) of the Department of Public Utilities (“Department”), as the oversight authority for TNCs, has recently collected assessments from all TNCs and will be proportionately distributing the funds to municipalities.  A spreadsheet of municipal disbursements is attached to this email.  In addition, the Division has recently collected and analyzed TNC trip data across Massachusetts, and has made this information publically available.  The purpose of my writing to you is to provide information regarding municipal use of funds received from the assessment, as well as the published information on TNC trip data.

Chapter 187 of the Acts of 2016 established a Commonwealth Transportation Infrastructure Fund (“Fund”).  St. 2016, c. 187, § 8(a).  As required, each TNC has submitted to the Division the number of rides from the previous calendar year that originated within each city or town and a per‑ride assessment of $0.20, which has been credited to the Fund.  St. 2016, c. 187, § 8(a).  One‑half (½) of the amount received from the Fund will be distributed proportionately to each city and town based on the number of rides that originated in that city or town.  St. 2016, c. 187, § 8(c)(i).  In addition, one fourth (¼) will be distributed to the Massachusetts Development Finance Agency, established in G.L. c. 23G, § 2, in order to provide financial assistance to small businesses operating in the taxicab, livery, or hackney industries and to encourage the adoption of new technologies and advanced service, safety, and operational capabilities and to support workforce development; and one fourth (¼) to the Commonwealth Transportation Fund, established in G.L. c. 29, § 2ZZZ.  St. 2016, c. 187, §§ 8(c)(ii) and (iii).

We expect to disburse these funds within the coming weeks.

The distributed funds are special revenue without further appropriation.  The funds must be used “to address the impact of transportation network services on municipal roads, bridges and other transportation infrastructure or any other public purpose substantially related to the operation of transportation network services in the city or town including, but not limited to, the complete streets program established in [G.L. c. 90I, § 1] and other programs that support alternative modes of transportation.”  St. 2016, c. 187, § 8(c)(i).  Each city or town receiving distribution from the Fund must submit a report to the Division not later than December 31, 2018, detailing the projects and the amount used or planned to be used for transportation-related projects, as described above.  St. 2016, c. 187, § 8(d).  The Division is required to compile the reports and post the projects and amounts of money used on its website, located at https://www.mass.gov/orgs/department-of-public-utilities-transportation-network-company-division.  St. 2016, c. 187, § 8(d).

In addition, as required by regulation, the Division has recently collected data regarding TNC trips throughout Massachusetts, such as data on ride origination and destination, and average time and distance of trips.  220 CMR 274.12(2)(a).  The Division has published this information, along with preliminary analyses, which can be located at https://tnc.sites.digital.mass.gov/.  Lastly, the Department intends to continue working with TNCs to obtain and publish further information regarding their contribution to the Commonwealth’s transportation landscape.

I hope that you find this information beneficial.

 

Sincerely,

Angela M. O’Connor

Chairman

Massachusetts Department of Public Utilities

One South Station

Boston, Massachusetts 02110

 

 

BOTS Act

Who says Congress can’t get anything done – this both fills someone’s real need, plus has a good acronym.  This is from my Thompson-Reuters newsletter.


Congress Restricts Ticket-Buying “Bots”

December 19, 2016

Money, keyboard and hand on computer mouseThe United States Congress recently passed the “Better Online Ticket Sales Act” (BOTS Act).  The new law, which President Obama is expected to sign, makes it illegal to use automated software (“bots”) to circumvent security systems that are designed to restrict purchases of tickets to public events, such as concerts and athletic events.

Currently, a variety of companies that sell event tickets use bots to make mass ticket purchases immediately after event tickets go on sale to the public.  In some instances, the bots are designed to circumvent computer systems that are intended to limit the number of tickets that can be purchased by a single buyer.

These mass purchases sometimes result in extremely rapid ticket sell-outs, frustrating individual ticket buyers.  Often, the tickets purchased using bots are re-sold to the public.  The re-sale price for the tickets is generally higher than face value.  This process thus generally results in greater costs to consumers.

The BOTS Act makes it illegal to bypass computer security measures in order to make mass purchases of tickets for events with a capacity of more than 200 attendees.  Under the terms of the Act, bypassing the computer security measures is characterized as an “unfair or deceptive act” and is thus within the regulatory jurisdiction of the Federal Trade Commission.

The goals of the BOTS Act are sensible and useful.  It is uncertain, however, that specific federal legislation was necessary in order to accomplish the objective of limiting computer security circumvention.  It seems that existing federal laws, such as the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, provide adequate authority to support legal action against parties who engage in circumvention of computer systems that are engaged in interstate commerce.

One noteworthy apparent consequence of the BOTS Act is the formal expansion of the FTC’s role in regulation of online transactions and activities.  The BOTS Act characterizes efforts to circumvent computer security systems as illegal commercial trade practices.  This appears to grant to the FTC the lead role in regulating U.S. computer security.

With the implementation of the BOTS Act, it seems that the FTC has joined law enforcement authorities at the leading edge of computer security enforcement in the United States.  That role will likely require significant resources for the FTC.  In order to execute this mission effectively, the FTC must receive substantial additional resources.

Richard’s book events: 12/10 at 7PM, 12/12 at 10 & 2

Arriving in time for Christmas and the Holidays

The second This Old Town,

by Richard DeSorgher

 

Richard book cover 2015

 

Last year the book “This Old Town, Remembering Medfield” was published. It included 74 stories about Medfield; its history and its people, most of which were published first in The Hometown Weekly. This second book “This Old Town, FLeetwood 9” features 63 different stories about Medfield and its people: It includes stories on Medfield’s history, Medfield during time of war, worst Medfield fires and crime in Medfield. It includes sports and school days, the Frances Café, the Manor Inn, Noon Hill, the Norfolk Hunt Club, the State Hospital Cemetery, The KKK in Medfield and the history of all of Medfield’s churches. Chapters on the Palumbos, Dr. Nickerson, the Standleys, Officer Bob Naughton, Roger Hardy, Ken Childs and the indomitable Colonel Mitchell will give one a flavor that is Medfield.

To order your copy(s), please send $15.00 (includes tax) to:

This Old Town

13 Lawrence Circle

Medfield, MA 02052   (make checks out to: This Old Town)

 

  • Include any requests for personalized signing by author
  • Books available starting December 2, 2015.
  • Free delivery within the town of Medfield; for all mailing, please add $5.00 shipping charge.

 

A special program about the stories contained within the book will take place on Thursday December 10 at the Memorial Public Library from 7-8 pm, followed by book sale and signing. Additional book signings will be on Saturday December 12 from 10-12 at the Historical Society Building, 6 Pleasant Street and from 2-4 pm at Park Street Books.

Jokes

TEN PUNS ABOUT THE LAW 

 

10) Lawyers wear law suits.

 

9) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.

 

8) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.

 

7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?

 

6) A detective likes to have a brief case.

 

5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.

 

4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.

 

3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.

 

2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.

 

1) If there’s one person you don’t want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it’s a judge.

 

 

The 20 Best/Worst Jokes In the World.

What follows are 20 of the best worst jokes in the world…you know the ones that are so bad they are actually good. Is yours on this list?

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve You, but don’t start anything.”
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was an old salt.
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
  7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

‘Dilbert Quotes’ contest

A magazine recently ran a ‘Dilbert Quotes‘ contest, looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’ (Lykes Lines Shipping)

‘E mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.’ (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

‘This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.’ (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

‘Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.’  (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
 
‘No one will believe you solved this problem in one day ! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.’ (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the Boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.’ (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,‘That would be better for me.’
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

‘We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.’ (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
 

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.
Albert Einstein

Lawyer jokes

DRY-CLEANED LAWYER JOKES

The Will
A man went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”

The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”

The man looked somewhat upset and said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!”
——————————————————————————–
Objection

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”

“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”


Bad Neighbors

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”

The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”

“$7.98.” said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150


The Compliment

“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.


New Client

A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.

Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…”Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don’t bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!”

Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, “How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?”

Mr. Baker replied, “Hi, I’m from the phone company. I’m here to connect your phone.”


Justice Has Triumphed

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading “Justice has triumphed!”

The client wired back, “Appeal at once!”


Suit Settled

A young defense attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home totally elated.

“Dad, listen, you aren’t going to believe this,” he said to his father. “I’ve finally settled that old Whitmore suit.”

“Settled it!!” bellowed his father. “You bumbling idiot! We’ve been living off of that money for over five years now!”


I’m fine

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”

Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her – how are you feeling?”


In the Diner

Two lawyers entered the diner and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry owner went over to them and said, “Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”

Shrugging their shoulders the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.


The Hamburger

Prosecutor : What were you doing on July 15th at 9 o’clock in the evening ?
Prisoner : I was eating hamburger.
Prosecutor : What were you doing at 9:30 p.m. ?
Prisoner : I was taking a bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor : Do you expect us to believe you ?
Prisoner : You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.


The Lawyer and the Federal Housing Authority

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope … you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our FEDERAL FHA LOAN?”